like an art van furniture sale...
here is my new lame attempt to write something worth writing.. if nothing else to at least put forth some small small small effort to keep current-ish..
not to much to say though most everything in my life has changed...funny that eh?
on the eve of moving again (in a good way though), new job (in a fucking sweet sweet way), new friends, new dog, new new new...
yeah it all seems to be going ok doesn't it.. i am trying to stay right sized about all of this .... and so far it works... but you never know... i mean christ, i haven't been in, or threatened with jail once this year... something is wrong..... hahahaha ha (er... i wish it were funny)...
anyways
11.24.2007
5.16.2007
one of these days
so I am not quite done... how erratic eh? I can go for like 6 months with nothing to say and then now...
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.... I have this sneaking suspicion (fear?) that I may not want to be anything. I try really hard to not be defined by my occupation, but that is easier said than done (for me anyways). I had this friend that would try to get me to admit that I was more than what I did for a living, but it just never stuck. I can see it with other people, but fuck, I get some crappy job and the next thing I know I am trapped. I know that I spent a ton of time looking at jobs tonight, but I fear that I may have pigeon-holed myself here into some craptastic career, which word I really hesitate to use, as it does signify some long term goals. The thing is, I look at some of the opportunities out there, and I have serious doubts about whether or not I could handle them. I mean at one point I knew a bunch of stuff, but I really haven't had to pull that stuff out in a while, not too mention some of the damage I may have done to myself over my last couple years out there (and I was out there). All I know is that I don't want to be broke all the time. I would like to have something to show for all the work I do... and maybe, just maybe (don't tell anyone) be happy.
Which is really the point here. At what point in our history did it become not just important, but even an option to be happy in our work. I don't think that they thought about how happy they were out on their little house on the prairie (if you know what I mean). When did good enough stop being good enough? You know? Its this weird curse of privilege I think. I think honestly if I was raised knowing that I would die if I didn't farm this land I probably would be a farmer. That's not how I grew up though.. I grew up thinking I could be whatever I wanted to be... they just never told me that I had to choose. Nothing brings this shit up, like looking for work though, god, I am such a spoiled brat sometimes....
I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.... I have this sneaking suspicion (fear?) that I may not want to be anything. I try really hard to not be defined by my occupation, but that is easier said than done (for me anyways). I had this friend that would try to get me to admit that I was more than what I did for a living, but it just never stuck. I can see it with other people, but fuck, I get some crappy job and the next thing I know I am trapped. I know that I spent a ton of time looking at jobs tonight, but I fear that I may have pigeon-holed myself here into some craptastic career, which word I really hesitate to use, as it does signify some long term goals. The thing is, I look at some of the opportunities out there, and I have serious doubts about whether or not I could handle them. I mean at one point I knew a bunch of stuff, but I really haven't had to pull that stuff out in a while, not too mention some of the damage I may have done to myself over my last couple years out there (and I was out there). All I know is that I don't want to be broke all the time. I would like to have something to show for all the work I do... and maybe, just maybe (don't tell anyone) be happy.
Which is really the point here. At what point in our history did it become not just important, but even an option to be happy in our work. I don't think that they thought about how happy they were out on their little house on the prairie (if you know what I mean). When did good enough stop being good enough? You know? Its this weird curse of privilege I think. I think honestly if I was raised knowing that I would die if I didn't farm this land I probably would be a farmer. That's not how I grew up though.. I grew up thinking I could be whatever I wanted to be... they just never told me that I had to choose. Nothing brings this shit up, like looking for work though, god, I am such a spoiled brat sometimes....
better late than never...
or something is better than nothing? i don't know, it has just been a really really long time. Apparetnly I have follow through issues or someting. I ran out of internet (and moved) and then just kinda never got it back... any ways.. it's been a bit. Lots and lots has happened lately but it seems like nothing has happened you know? Maybe that is the real excuse here. I never really have anything to say. I mean christ things happen... (and how) but i just can't seem to translate them... ie. I came back from London a couple of weeks ago and people say, "How was London?" and I say "OK." That's it period (did you notice the period?) so whatever. Maybe I am just taking things easy... or maybe I am avoiding. I did spend a large chunk of time looking at jobs tonight, and a smaller chunk of time looking at grad schools, and a medium chunk of time googling people I know or have known.... oh well progress.. . . i will do better...
check out the flickr for some london photos. It was OK... (actually it was freaking awesome, but you know...)
check out the flickr for some london photos. It was OK... (actually it was freaking awesome, but you know...)
12.06.2006
grrr
so its been a bit. apparently i fall short on the consistency standard. but in my defense my internet access has been limited lately.. funny how they turn that stuff off when you don't pay... any ways.. its December... funny how the time flies.. and its cold too..
so i think i may be losing some faith. i mean really michigan, do you really want to go down this road with me? i missed a payment in july by like 18 hours (according to the state- who actually did not inform me of a processing delay... so actually i spent the money on time...) and thus my driving privleges have been suspended... since july!! of course i would have no way of knowing this unless they sent me a notice or say pulled me over randomly... guess what happened to me.... (no mail yet...) any ways apparently i have been brazenly defying the state for several months and i get to end up with a possible misdemeanor, which carries possible jail time... i spoke with a woman today and said 'its real frustrating to be facing some jail time when i really didn't do anything wrong..' she said yes she agreed but really couldn't do anything about it... Say yes to Michigan!
The whole point is that it is really really ridiculous. i am to the point where i think i will no longer do business with this state. i mean really if my cell phone company did this, or kroger or what not i would end my patronage of their business.... soooooo.... i mean there is all this talk of the horrors of the mid 20's to 30's college educated types leaving the state for better opportunities..... hmmmm.....
so i think i may be losing some faith. i mean really michigan, do you really want to go down this road with me? i missed a payment in july by like 18 hours (according to the state- who actually did not inform me of a processing delay... so actually i spent the money on time...) and thus my driving privleges have been suspended... since july!! of course i would have no way of knowing this unless they sent me a notice or say pulled me over randomly... guess what happened to me.... (no mail yet...) any ways apparently i have been brazenly defying the state for several months and i get to end up with a possible misdemeanor, which carries possible jail time... i spoke with a woman today and said 'its real frustrating to be facing some jail time when i really didn't do anything wrong..' she said yes she agreed but really couldn't do anything about it... Say yes to Michigan!
The whole point is that it is really really ridiculous. i am to the point where i think i will no longer do business with this state. i mean really if my cell phone company did this, or kroger or what not i would end my patronage of their business.... soooooo.... i mean there is all this talk of the horrors of the mid 20's to 30's college educated types leaving the state for better opportunities..... hmmmm.....
11.11.2006
12
so there was this movie.. and i was watching it.. and while it is not important what i was watching or even why for that matter (which makes it less important, the what...) i began to think about being twelve. i don't remember much about being that age, which may be a prime indicator that it was a pretty great time. i mean don't get me wrong, i don't have a total black out concerning my youth, but i cant think to myself 'ah remember when i was such and such age and i did so and so..' it kinda all blends together into young and younger... it actually is a lot of work to try and figure out how old i was when i did what... any ways the point is i was watching this movie and then thought about how at the end of The Body (or Stand By Me if you'd rather) the line comes out about never having friends like you did when you were 12... now for whatever reason (i wasn't watching SBM by the way) i got on this thought and i really don't think i had that great of a time of it..again recalling things in a broad way (what i think of as 12 is most likely 11 - 14 for all attempts).... any ways i mean i had some friends but nothing like that... they came later.. maybe this is why i am such a twelve year old now... i am reliving that which i did not live before... or at least i was.
now what i did manage to draw out of this whole debacle was that yeah maybe the 12 (or 13) year old friend bond is special and magical, blah blah to some people, but i really think that what i miss most is the being in love. you know i wish sometimes that i could be in love like i was then. of course now, looking back one may say it wasn't love i mean christ there was nothing but the awful possibility of a slow dance or a note.... but maybe that's why its so attractive. at that age i was both innocent and indestructible at the same time. i guess maybe i long for that same feeling.. the whole burning love, for loves sake... there was no other agenda, at least not for me.. i didn't know enough then... and maybe that wasn't so bad ... you know, to be just a little stupid, a little naive... i guess i have to disagree with mr stewart... when he says he wishes he knew what he knows now when he was younger... in fact i may offer the following... i wish i still knew what i did then... and no more...
any ways, i ramble...
now what i did manage to draw out of this whole debacle was that yeah maybe the 12 (or 13) year old friend bond is special and magical, blah blah to some people, but i really think that what i miss most is the being in love. you know i wish sometimes that i could be in love like i was then. of course now, looking back one may say it wasn't love i mean christ there was nothing but the awful possibility of a slow dance or a note.... but maybe that's why its so attractive. at that age i was both innocent and indestructible at the same time. i guess maybe i long for that same feeling.. the whole burning love, for loves sake... there was no other agenda, at least not for me.. i didn't know enough then... and maybe that wasn't so bad ... you know, to be just a little stupid, a little naive... i guess i have to disagree with mr stewart... when he says he wishes he knew what he knows now when he was younger... in fact i may offer the following... i wish i still knew what i did then... and no more...
any ways, i ramble...
11.05.2006
mmm...meaty...
well i guess there is a point here ..... not that appetizing though ...
in all honesty i think i must be the world's worst blogger... i think i fall short on the consistency scale... lots of stuff going on though... work work work work... got a new car which entails work work work work but its good i think...its gratitude month... gotta stay grateful i guess...
in all honesty i think i must be the world's worst blogger... i think i fall short on the consistency scale... lots of stuff going on though... work work work work... got a new car which entails work work work work but its good i think...its gratitude month... gotta stay grateful i guess...
10.25.2006
well, at least someone knows whats going on in there
.......
i mean really.... are people that dumb.... i mean looking at all the 'how does this work, i dont believe it" s makes me real worried about the future of the race... i mean if aliens do come to conquer us, apparently all they would have to do is show something shiny and we'd be done for....
grrrr.... what a misanthrope am i.
i mean really.... are people that dumb.... i mean looking at all the 'how does this work, i dont believe it" s makes me real worried about the future of the race... i mean if aliens do come to conquer us, apparently all they would have to do is show something shiny and we'd be done for....
grrrr.... what a misanthrope am i.
10.19.2006
10.15.2006
and that's how i knew this story would break my heart...
and it did too. (but i am getting over it)
I mean really, if people all just behaved the way i wanted them to... do you know how happy i would be? yeah, most likely miserable. i have to be very careful i think, very careful about what i am feeling and why. i am told to feel my feelings, that they dont need validation, andi try, but lately i get all hung up. i am real worried about 'old behavior.' you know becoming not so old... a guy said that to me a few months back. its only old behavior until you do it again. i dont want that... and yet...
any ways aside from the blinding rage and self inflicted depression and pity, it was a pretty good weekend... and yet it didnt go anything like id planned.... everything happens for a reason right? maybe thats it to break me of the control issues... to give me the chance for some grace and a chance for some hate... i tell you what.. ive got some shit to think about...
hung out with my sponser, hit a meeting, hung out with the hayley's family... its odd, but not like id think... strangely enough i didnt feel out of place, it just made me miss her more (and more and more)... (and more)... i guess its good to feel that well amongst them... it is kinda funny that i am at war with the ex-in-laws, and so ok with these folks (and by at war, i just mean enraged and offended by...). maybe this is a reason all its own.
talked to hayley a bunch today... talked to wes a bunch today...talked to becky a bunch today... talked to lots of people a bunch today... it was good not to isolate...
of course i didnt do laundry...
more to come...
I mean really, if people all just behaved the way i wanted them to... do you know how happy i would be? yeah, most likely miserable. i have to be very careful i think, very careful about what i am feeling and why. i am told to feel my feelings, that they dont need validation, andi try, but lately i get all hung up. i am real worried about 'old behavior.' you know becoming not so old... a guy said that to me a few months back. its only old behavior until you do it again. i dont want that... and yet...
any ways aside from the blinding rage and self inflicted depression and pity, it was a pretty good weekend... and yet it didnt go anything like id planned.... everything happens for a reason right? maybe thats it to break me of the control issues... to give me the chance for some grace and a chance for some hate... i tell you what.. ive got some shit to think about...
hung out with my sponser, hit a meeting, hung out with the hayley's family... its odd, but not like id think... strangely enough i didnt feel out of place, it just made me miss her more (and more and more)... (and more)... i guess its good to feel that well amongst them... it is kinda funny that i am at war with the ex-in-laws, and so ok with these folks (and by at war, i just mean enraged and offended by...). maybe this is a reason all its own.
talked to hayley a bunch today... talked to wes a bunch today...talked to becky a bunch today... talked to lots of people a bunch today... it was good not to isolate...
of course i didnt do laundry...
more to come...
10.09.2006
blah blah blah
I cannot decide if this blogging experience is an excerise in ego or in humility. I mean on the one hand i am assuming that my life is interesting enough that it merits space out here and that people would read it... ego... on the other i am putting myselft out there for observation and critique... hmmm any ways...
My sleep deprivation experiment i seem to be working on(not entirely voluntarily) is pretty much an abject failure. I spend way way to much time awake lately, and it is starting to show... tonight someone asked why i look like i had been run over...i dont really know what the problem is except that when i have a great opportunity for some sleeping i seem to try really hard not to... like doing this now... this has been going on for a few days and aside from the trippiness of it all, it isnt as much fun as i thought. i think i just have too much time on my hands... but not as much as some i guess.
I think ultimately it has to do with the depression/loneliness thing going on around here.. i dont adapt well to change (like many of my ilk), and i am just acting out on it. I firmly beleive in everything happening for a reason, and this is something so... i guess i am meant to be lonely. i am meant to have this wrench thrown into the works to remind me that at the very core the very end of my thoughts that i am alone. You know the whole born alone/die alone type of thing. I guess (hope) this is important. I need to know this even as painful as it may be.
I did find some new favorite music last night though, so the involuntary s.d.e has had at least one benefit. Thanks pandora!
all for now
My sleep deprivation experiment i seem to be working on(not entirely voluntarily) is pretty much an abject failure. I spend way way to much time awake lately, and it is starting to show... tonight someone asked why i look like i had been run over...i dont really know what the problem is except that when i have a great opportunity for some sleeping i seem to try really hard not to... like doing this now... this has been going on for a few days and aside from the trippiness of it all, it isnt as much fun as i thought. i think i just have too much time on my hands... but not as much as some i guess.
I think ultimately it has to do with the depression/loneliness thing going on around here.. i dont adapt well to change (like many of my ilk), and i am just acting out on it. I firmly beleive in everything happening for a reason, and this is something so... i guess i am meant to be lonely. i am meant to have this wrench thrown into the works to remind me that at the very core the very end of my thoughts that i am alone. You know the whole born alone/die alone type of thing. I guess (hope) this is important. I need to know this even as painful as it may be.
I did find some new favorite music last night though, so the involuntary s.d.e has had at least one benefit. Thanks pandora!
all for now
10.08.2006
new words... and a fire
So here goes my newest attempt at the ridiculous. as i sit (or lie rather) here and type these words i am distracted by the flashing lights of what looks to be six fire trucks trying to stop the house behind me from burning down. it has been a weird day. i went and watched with the neighborhood hooligans for a bit, but grew uncomfortable with being asked for cigarettes by a kid who looked to be eight (for a couple of reasons 1st (and sadly foremost) i don't have that many and it is nearly two in the morning, and 2nd, he's eight) and came back in. i am now getting this neat disco flash thing going on through the blinds... its pretty nifty (and by nifty i mean annoying). apparently the neighbors shack (he was calling it garage, but really) caught fire... sadly (for him) his car was in there... i don't know why he would put a car in a shack...
so any ways -- weird day. You know sometimes i am amazed at how things work. Twice today i was thinking about some guys i hadn't seen in a while, and both times i saw them within fifteen minutes...i guess its good they are not dead - yet...
earlier today i was talking to dave the butcher while i was watching not one, but two sporting events which he thought was quite hilarious. and then he talked about going to church which i said i thought was quite hilarious... we both agreed that it is funny how things change. he is turning 40 today --happy birthday david! and hurray to the ole alma mater on the stunning (sarcasm intended) victory over msu today.... like i care really,it is just that i figure i paid all that tuition, i should get something out of it.
so any ways -- weird day. You know sometimes i am amazed at how things work. Twice today i was thinking about some guys i hadn't seen in a while, and both times i saw them within fifteen minutes...i guess its good they are not dead - yet...
earlier today i was talking to dave the butcher while i was watching not one, but two sporting events which he thought was quite hilarious. and then he talked about going to church which i said i thought was quite hilarious... we both agreed that it is funny how things change. he is turning 40 today --happy birthday david! and hurray to the ole alma mater on the stunning (sarcasm intended) victory over msu today.... like i care really,it is just that i figure i paid all that tuition, i should get something out of it.
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