grrr

so its been a bit. apparently i fall short on the consistency standard. but in my defense my internet access has been limited lately.. funny how they turn that stuff off when you don't pay... any ways.. its December... funny how the time flies.. and its cold too..


so i think i may be losing some faith. i mean really michigan, do you really want to go down this road with me? i missed a payment in july by like 18 hours (according to the state- who actually did not inform me of a processing delay... so actually i spent the money on time...) and thus my driving privleges have been suspended... since july!! of course i would have no way of knowing this unless they sent me a notice or say pulled me over randomly... guess what happened to me.... (no mail yet...) any ways apparently i have been brazenly defying the state for several months and i get to end up with a possible misdemeanor, which carries possible jail time... i spoke with a woman today and said 'its real frustrating to be facing some jail time when i really didn't do anything wrong..' she said yes she agreed but really couldn't do anything about it... Say yes to Michigan!


The whole point is that it is really really ridiculous. i am to the point where i think i will no longer do business with this state. i mean really if my cell phone company did this, or kroger or what not i would end my patronage of their business.... soooooo.... i mean there is all this talk of the horrors of the mid 20's to 30's college educated types leaving the state for better opportunities..... hmmmm.....

12

so there was this movie.. and i was watching it.. and while it is not important what i was watching or even why for that matter (which makes it less important, the what...) i began to think about being twelve. i don't remember much about being that age, which may be a prime indicator that it was a pretty great time. i mean don't get me wrong, i don't have a total black out concerning my youth, but i cant think to myself 'ah remember when i was such and such age and i did so and so..' it kinda all blends together into young and younger... it actually is a lot of work to try and figure out how old i was when i did what... any ways the point is i was watching this movie and then thought about how at the end of The Body (or Stand By Me if you'd rather) the line comes out about never having friends like you did when you were 12... now for whatever reason (i wasn't watching SBM by the way) i got on this thought and i really don't think i had that great of a time of it..again recalling things in a broad way (what i think of as 12 is most likely 11 - 14 for all attempts).... any ways i mean i had some friends but nothing like that... they came later.. maybe this is why i am such a twelve year old now... i am reliving that which i did not live before... or at least i was.

now what i did manage to draw out of this whole debacle was that yeah maybe the 12 (or 13) year old friend bond is special and magical, blah blah to some people, but i really think that what i miss most is the being in love. you know i wish sometimes that i could be in love like i was then. of course now, looking back one may say it wasn't love i mean christ there was nothing but the awful possibility of a slow dance or a note.... but maybe that's why its so attractive. at that age i was both innocent and indestructible at the same time. i guess maybe i long for that same feeling.. the whole burning love, for loves sake... there was no other agenda, at least not for me.. i didn't know enough then... and maybe that wasn't so bad ... you know, to be just a little stupid, a little naive... i guess i have to disagree with mr stewart... when he says he wishes he knew what he knows now when he was younger... in fact i may offer the following... i wish i still knew what i did then... and no more...

any ways, i ramble...

mmm...meaty...

well i guess there is a point here ..... not that appetizing though ...

in all honesty i think i must be the world's worst blogger... i think i fall short on the consistency scale... lots of stuff going on though... work work work work... got a new car which entails work work work work but its good i think...its gratitude month... gotta stay grateful i guess...

well, at least someone knows whats going on in there

.......

i mean really.... are people that dumb.... i mean looking at all the 'how does this work, i dont believe it" s makes me real worried about the future of the race... i mean if aliens do come to conquer us, apparently all they would have to do is show something shiny and we'd be done for....

grrrr.... what a misanthrope am i.

randomness

powered by ODEO

tooling around i found some stuff...
its called 'blue bug reel' by a mr ben vigoda...

and that's how i knew this story would break my heart...

and it did too. (but i am getting over it)

I mean really, if people all just behaved the way i wanted them to... do you know how happy i would be? yeah, most likely miserable. i have to be very careful i think, very careful about what i am feeling and why. i am told to feel my feelings, that they dont need validation, andi try, but lately i get all hung up. i am real worried about 'old behavior.' you know becoming not so old... a guy said that to me a few months back. its only old behavior until you do it again. i dont want that... and yet...

any ways aside from the blinding rage and self inflicted depression and pity, it was a pretty good weekend... and yet it didnt go anything like id planned.... everything happens for a reason right? maybe thats it to break me of the control issues... to give me the chance for some grace and a chance for some hate... i tell you what.. ive got some shit to think about...

hung out with my sponser, hit a meeting, hung out with the hayley's family... its odd, but not like id think... strangely enough i didnt feel out of place, it just made me miss her more (and more and more)... (and more)... i guess its good to feel that well amongst them... it is kinda funny that i am at war with the ex-in-laws, and so ok with these folks (and by at war, i just mean enraged and offended by...). maybe this is a reason all its own.

talked to hayley a bunch today... talked to wes a bunch today...talked to becky a bunch today... talked to lots of people a bunch today... it was good not to isolate...

of course i didnt do laundry...

more to come...

blah blah blah

I cannot decide if this blogging experience is an excerise in ego or in humility. I mean on the one hand i am assuming that my life is interesting enough that it merits space out here and that people would read it... ego... on the other i am putting myselft out there for observation and critique... hmmm any ways...

My sleep deprivation experiment i seem to be working on(not entirely voluntarily) is pretty much an abject failure. I spend way way to much time awake lately, and it is starting to show... tonight someone asked why i look like i had been run over...i dont really know what the problem is except that when i have a great opportunity for some sleeping i seem to try really hard not to... like doing this now... this has been going on for a few days and aside from the trippiness of it all, it isnt as much fun as i thought. i think i just have too much time on my hands... but not as much as some i guess.

I think ultimately it has to do with the depression/loneliness thing going on around here.. i dont adapt well to change (like many of my ilk), and i am just acting out on it. I firmly beleive in everything happening for a reason, and this is something so... i guess i am meant to be lonely. i am meant to have this wrench thrown into the works to remind me that at the very core the very end of my thoughts that i am alone. You know the whole born alone/die alone type of thing. I guess (hope) this is important. I need to know this even as painful as it may be.

I did find some new favorite music last night though, so the involuntary s.d.e has had at least one benefit. Thanks pandora!

all for now

new words... and a fire

So here goes my newest attempt at the ridiculous. as i sit (or lie rather) here and type these words i am distracted by the flashing lights of what looks to be six fire trucks trying to stop the house behind me from burning down. it has been a weird day. i went and watched with the neighborhood hooligans for a bit, but grew uncomfortable with being asked for cigarettes by a kid who looked to be eight (for a couple of reasons 1st (and sadly foremost) i don't have that many and it is nearly two in the morning, and 2nd, he's eight) and came back in. i am now getting this neat disco flash thing going on through the blinds... its pretty nifty (and by nifty i mean annoying). apparently the neighbors shack (he was calling it garage, but really) caught fire... sadly (for him) his car was in there... i don't know why he would put a car in a shack...


so any ways -- weird day. You know sometimes i am amazed at how things work. Twice today i was thinking about some guys i hadn't seen in a while, and both times i saw them within fifteen minutes...i guess its good they are not dead - yet...


earlier today i was talking to dave the butcher while i was watching not one, but two sporting events which he thought was quite hilarious. and then he talked about going to church which i said i thought was quite hilarious... we both agreed that it is funny how things change. he is turning 40 today --happy birthday david! and hurray to the ole alma mater on the stunning (sarcasm intended) victory over msu today.... like i care really,it is just that i figure i paid all that tuition, i should get something out of it.