.......
i mean really.... are people that dumb.... i mean looking at all the 'how does this work, i dont believe it" s makes me real worried about the future of the race... i mean if aliens do come to conquer us, apparently all they would have to do is show something shiny and we'd be done for....
grrrr.... what a misanthrope am i.
10.19.2006
10.15.2006
and that's how i knew this story would break my heart...
and it did too. (but i am getting over it)
I mean really, if people all just behaved the way i wanted them to... do you know how happy i would be? yeah, most likely miserable. i have to be very careful i think, very careful about what i am feeling and why. i am told to feel my feelings, that they dont need validation, andi try, but lately i get all hung up. i am real worried about 'old behavior.' you know becoming not so old... a guy said that to me a few months back. its only old behavior until you do it again. i dont want that... and yet...
any ways aside from the blinding rage and self inflicted depression and pity, it was a pretty good weekend... and yet it didnt go anything like id planned.... everything happens for a reason right? maybe thats it to break me of the control issues... to give me the chance for some grace and a chance for some hate... i tell you what.. ive got some shit to think about...
hung out with my sponser, hit a meeting, hung out with the hayley's family... its odd, but not like id think... strangely enough i didnt feel out of place, it just made me miss her more (and more and more)... (and more)... i guess its good to feel that well amongst them... it is kinda funny that i am at war with the ex-in-laws, and so ok with these folks (and by at war, i just mean enraged and offended by...). maybe this is a reason all its own.
talked to hayley a bunch today... talked to wes a bunch today...talked to becky a bunch today... talked to lots of people a bunch today... it was good not to isolate...
of course i didnt do laundry...
more to come...
I mean really, if people all just behaved the way i wanted them to... do you know how happy i would be? yeah, most likely miserable. i have to be very careful i think, very careful about what i am feeling and why. i am told to feel my feelings, that they dont need validation, andi try, but lately i get all hung up. i am real worried about 'old behavior.' you know becoming not so old... a guy said that to me a few months back. its only old behavior until you do it again. i dont want that... and yet...
any ways aside from the blinding rage and self inflicted depression and pity, it was a pretty good weekend... and yet it didnt go anything like id planned.... everything happens for a reason right? maybe thats it to break me of the control issues... to give me the chance for some grace and a chance for some hate... i tell you what.. ive got some shit to think about...
hung out with my sponser, hit a meeting, hung out with the hayley's family... its odd, but not like id think... strangely enough i didnt feel out of place, it just made me miss her more (and more and more)... (and more)... i guess its good to feel that well amongst them... it is kinda funny that i am at war with the ex-in-laws, and so ok with these folks (and by at war, i just mean enraged and offended by...). maybe this is a reason all its own.
talked to hayley a bunch today... talked to wes a bunch today...talked to becky a bunch today... talked to lots of people a bunch today... it was good not to isolate...
of course i didnt do laundry...
more to come...
10.09.2006
blah blah blah
I cannot decide if this blogging experience is an excerise in ego or in humility. I mean on the one hand i am assuming that my life is interesting enough that it merits space out here and that people would read it... ego... on the other i am putting myselft out there for observation and critique... hmmm any ways...
My sleep deprivation experiment i seem to be working on(not entirely voluntarily) is pretty much an abject failure. I spend way way to much time awake lately, and it is starting to show... tonight someone asked why i look like i had been run over...i dont really know what the problem is except that when i have a great opportunity for some sleeping i seem to try really hard not to... like doing this now... this has been going on for a few days and aside from the trippiness of it all, it isnt as much fun as i thought. i think i just have too much time on my hands... but not as much as some i guess.
I think ultimately it has to do with the depression/loneliness thing going on around here.. i dont adapt well to change (like many of my ilk), and i am just acting out on it. I firmly beleive in everything happening for a reason, and this is something so... i guess i am meant to be lonely. i am meant to have this wrench thrown into the works to remind me that at the very core the very end of my thoughts that i am alone. You know the whole born alone/die alone type of thing. I guess (hope) this is important. I need to know this even as painful as it may be.
I did find some new favorite music last night though, so the involuntary s.d.e has had at least one benefit. Thanks pandora!
all for now
My sleep deprivation experiment i seem to be working on(not entirely voluntarily) is pretty much an abject failure. I spend way way to much time awake lately, and it is starting to show... tonight someone asked why i look like i had been run over...i dont really know what the problem is except that when i have a great opportunity for some sleeping i seem to try really hard not to... like doing this now... this has been going on for a few days and aside from the trippiness of it all, it isnt as much fun as i thought. i think i just have too much time on my hands... but not as much as some i guess.
I think ultimately it has to do with the depression/loneliness thing going on around here.. i dont adapt well to change (like many of my ilk), and i am just acting out on it. I firmly beleive in everything happening for a reason, and this is something so... i guess i am meant to be lonely. i am meant to have this wrench thrown into the works to remind me that at the very core the very end of my thoughts that i am alone. You know the whole born alone/die alone type of thing. I guess (hope) this is important. I need to know this even as painful as it may be.
I did find some new favorite music last night though, so the involuntary s.d.e has had at least one benefit. Thanks pandora!
all for now
10.08.2006
new words... and a fire
So here goes my newest attempt at the ridiculous. as i sit (or lie rather) here and type these words i am distracted by the flashing lights of what looks to be six fire trucks trying to stop the house behind me from burning down. it has been a weird day. i went and watched with the neighborhood hooligans for a bit, but grew uncomfortable with being asked for cigarettes by a kid who looked to be eight (for a couple of reasons 1st (and sadly foremost) i don't have that many and it is nearly two in the morning, and 2nd, he's eight) and came back in. i am now getting this neat disco flash thing going on through the blinds... its pretty nifty (and by nifty i mean annoying). apparently the neighbors shack (he was calling it garage, but really) caught fire... sadly (for him) his car was in there... i don't know why he would put a car in a shack...
so any ways -- weird day. You know sometimes i am amazed at how things work. Twice today i was thinking about some guys i hadn't seen in a while, and both times i saw them within fifteen minutes...i guess its good they are not dead - yet...
earlier today i was talking to dave the butcher while i was watching not one, but two sporting events which he thought was quite hilarious. and then he talked about going to church which i said i thought was quite hilarious... we both agreed that it is funny how things change. he is turning 40 today --happy birthday david! and hurray to the ole alma mater on the stunning (sarcasm intended) victory over msu today.... like i care really,it is just that i figure i paid all that tuition, i should get something out of it.
so any ways -- weird day. You know sometimes i am amazed at how things work. Twice today i was thinking about some guys i hadn't seen in a while, and both times i saw them within fifteen minutes...i guess its good they are not dead - yet...
earlier today i was talking to dave the butcher while i was watching not one, but two sporting events which he thought was quite hilarious. and then he talked about going to church which i said i thought was quite hilarious... we both agreed that it is funny how things change. he is turning 40 today --happy birthday david! and hurray to the ole alma mater on the stunning (sarcasm intended) victory over msu today.... like i care really,it is just that i figure i paid all that tuition, i should get something out of it.
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